I feel tired, angry, bitter, anxious, pissed off, like a horrible person, ugly, and rageful lately. So fucking disconnected. I feel like I’m hungover when I haven’t even been drinking. I didn’t think this was possible. I can barely drag myself to the store to get food to eat. I can barely do anything. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m sick of the internetz.
I have to get connected. I can’t live like this.
I found my old college essays today. Triggered by my old intellect in ways I can’t explain. It’s like there should be an argument here. A flaw in this girl’s logic but there isn’t. The only imperfection is that lurks in the darkness.
I find myself jealous of her intellect, her coldness, her boldness, her ruthlessness. Maybe this is what happens when you take away one’s soul. I mean there was always conflict, dualism, and pain behind the scene but no one can argue with her.
Perhaps, this is a test? To see where I am in this journey. I am triggered tonight.
I am also secretly dreading the day when I hear from Kyle again, if I ever do.
This side of me is coming out like a wildflower. BAM it is so in my face.
It’s the ego right? Guarding the true self?
I am so damn close. I am fighting this so damn hard.
This is what I wanted for years. This is what I’ve struggled with. I am coming unglued. I never believed it was true. What I felt. The power of this dream I had. This drive.
I was thinking of things I haven’t thought of in years. Medicinal comfort blankets from the past.
I’ve logic-ed my way out of these voices before. But tonight, I realize I am truly at this crossroads. Those words have meaning. Those words on the page have meaning. Those pages exist for a reason.
Fake love. No love. What the fuck?
My first air plants came today! I bought glass vials from the Tim Holtz Idea-ology collection a few weeks ago. I’m nervous and excited for reasons I can’t explain. I heard these babies are survivors but I want to treat them kindly.
After my last post, I realized so much how attached I get to things. In fact, I caught myself doing it again today after T.S.G. got a little attention. I wish I’d stop doing it, as it is truly exhausting. Working on it, working on it, working on it.
I went out to On the Border last night. I had 2 grilled enchiladas and 2 Corona lights. Afterward, I passed out until around 11. I’ve never experienced a food coma, pretty powerful I must say. Ha.
When I was very small I had the ability to create these elaborate worlds within reality. It all went well beyond imaginary friends, as I have always been a bit of a loner. Now, that I’m older I realize that I create businesses. Well established but now that my creativity is blending with reality, I am seeing why I created elaborate worlds in the first place. I strongly disliked reality (and I was impatient as hell).
And to go deeper into this, I think my creations have always been an extension of me, or I created them to be. I take them so personally and I pour so much energy into them, sometimes I have no idea what to do outside of these things.
It’s really a problem and I think I’ve fallen off of the bandwagon a bit. Not digging it. I’ve been enjoying my weekends a bit too much. Yesterday and the day before were just sub par. Today was relatively good and my intention for tomorrow is for it to be even better.
Everything has changed dramatically lately. It’s insanely amazing. Ironically, I finished Mama Gena’s book last night. It’s incredible. I don’t even know who this me is but I’m definitely down with getting to know her. I don’t feel like writing much either. So, here’s to the last for awhile. My ginger broccoli tofu is about to be ready. Love.
Inspired by Mama Gena’s chapter, “Partying With Your Inner Bitch,” I have been conjuring up these explosive emotions. Subjectively, I’ve seriously gone at. Damn, I can be rageful but powerful. I’ve discovered too how close these emotions are intertwined. I mean, if I look at them objectively, I see exactly what I want, exactly what I need, and my deepest desires. There’s seriously a line where these emotions are hand in hand. Anger and love, sadness and happiness, freedom and power, fear and desire, etc. It’s all right there, sharing the same energy source, just distorted for some reason.
Love and hate, I’ve always heard there is a fine line between these. I’ve experienced it in relationships but until recently I’ve never seen the connection between these two. My goddess, it’s my love of pleasure, of beauty, and of freedom that brings me to this state. Why couldn’t I see it before? How connected these two things are.
I bought Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts : Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World on Kindle not knowing really what to expect and … WOW (in a good way!).
Turned down an opportunity the other day. Literally, in my head, I saw the words, “NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS.” Amazing, just amazing.
I’ve been thinking about happenings, power, and freedom. Discussions have provoked thoughts of past discussions. I mean I’m literally playing out these discussions in my head trying to connect the dots.
I’ve come to the conclusion that this “opportunity” was actually a power struggle, as something inside of myself would have willing gave it away in a heartbeat but I realized, I realized this was a test.
I can’t believe how much freedom and power I’d be willing to sacrifice in the past. For what, too, really? Comfort? The ability to think I don’t have to be responsible for it? Even though that’s a disillusion?