…uhhh?

I found my old college essays today.  Triggered by my old intellect in ways I can’t explain.  It’s like there should be an argument here.  A flaw in this girl’s logic but there isn’t.  The only imperfection is that lurks in the darkness.

I find myself jealous of her intellect, her coldness, her boldness, her ruthlessness.  Maybe this is what happens when you take away one’s soul.  I mean there was always conflict, dualism, and pain behind the scene but no one can argue with her.

 

Perhaps, this is a test? To see where I am in this journey.  I am triggered tonight.

I am also secretly dreading the day when I hear from Kyle again, if I ever do.

This side of me is coming out like a wildflower. BAM it is so in my face.

It’s the ego right? Guarding the true self?

 

I am so damn close. I am fighting this so damn hard.

 

This is what I wanted for years. This is what I’ve struggled with.  I am coming unglued.  I never believed it was true. What I felt. The power of this dream I had.  This drive.

I was thinking of things I haven’t thought of in years. Medicinal comfort blankets from the past.

 

I’ve logic-ed my way out of these voices before. But tonight, I realize I am truly at this crossroads. Those words have meaning. Those words on the page have meaning.  Those pages exist for a reason.

Fake love. No love. What the fuck?

 

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