I found my old college essays today. Triggered by my old intellect in ways I can’t explain. It’s like there should be an argument here. A flaw in this girl’s logic but there isn’t. The only imperfection is that lurks in the darkness.
I find myself jealous of her intellect, her coldness, her boldness, her ruthlessness. Maybe this is what happens when you take away one’s soul. I mean there was always conflict, dualism, and pain behind the scene but no one can argue with her.
Perhaps, this is a test? To see where I am in this journey. I am triggered tonight.
I am also secretly dreading the day when I hear from Kyle again, if I ever do.
This side of me is coming out like a wildflower. BAM it is so in my face.
It’s the ego right? Guarding the true self?
I am so damn close. I am fighting this so damn hard.
This is what I wanted for years. This is what I’ve struggled with. I am coming unglued. I never believed it was true. What I felt. The power of this dream I had. This drive.
I was thinking of things I haven’t thought of in years. Medicinal comfort blankets from the past.
I’ve logic-ed my way out of these voices before. But tonight, I realize I am truly at this crossroads. Those words have meaning. Those words on the page have meaning. Those pages exist for a reason.
Fake love. No love. What the fuck?